The Void.

There are certain risks in falling for someone behind their back. Yes is possible fall in love with someone behind their back. If they don't know you are falling and some people do, then its behind their back. I never though I would be the one to fall in this friendship, but I did. It started fine and I didn't pay much attention to the unfolding of things, and before I knew it, I was already half way down into the bottomless pit. Now, a certain distance has seem to emerge from her towards me, and I can't help but feel affected by it. Coming to work seems to be going back to how it felt in the begining, tedious and boring. Again I'm working in a place where I can't help but feel alone and out of place. Even with my friend working in the same building as me, it still doesn't help. He and I don't have the same relationship we once had, at least as far as pertaining to me. So everyday I come to work and I feel like I'm in this void inside a populated place, the only person I can interact with is me. I know I carry a good conversation, but when who I'm talking to is myself, it becomes boring quick. She was the answer to my problem, in her I had someone to talk to who cared for what I had to say. She gave me a new level of meaning in this place, no longer was I here to just do the same thing over and over again, I had something to look forward to. All that, now, is gone and quite frankly I don't think it'll return. She has moved on, for her I'm back to buy "a guy from work," nothing more to me just that. I think I understand though, she has her life already set, with kids, a house, two cars, and a slew of friends her age. Where do I fit? I'm still a college student and certainly don't make even half of what she makes a week. Its enough for me yes, but she has other needs. Whatever gap I was filling in her life, it now seems to be closed and thus the need for me is no more. But you know, somehow I knee it would be like this, I've told my friend and my brother, I am here to help girls/women out, after I have done that for them I'm not needed anymore and I become the "in case" guy. In case they need someone to cry to about their current boyfriend or about how they wish they had more things to do because they feel bored at home, that's who I become. In a way I'm glad I have the "ability" to help them, I mean I do it with good intentions and always try to look out for them, and if in the way I get some sort of reward than that's a bonus that I gladly take. The fact that I fell in love with her makes this so much harder than the first time around. Now I come to work and see her still, but she no longer is who she used to be. I get the indiferent looks and the mild chit chat just because she knows me and I work with her, but that's it! That's all I get... This mostly my fault, I allowed this to happens, I allowed my self to fall for her. But why wouldn't I? She is beautiful in every way. She is a caring person and wonderful mom. She is funny and pretty open minded, daring when she wants to be but for that side of her you have to know her =P She is simple and down to earth, she isn't one of those girls that suffer from what I call "the cheerleader complex." She is considerate and doesn't ask for much. She is trully the perfect embodiment of Beauty. All that and so much more is what I love about her, but... I don't think she'll ever know.