A Forsaken Mind

Here again...

2011-03-10T23:24:00.000-05:00

I'm back there again, I'm back to where I feel like I don't belong in the house I currently live in. I have omitted "my house" from the sentence because it isn't my house. I don't even have a personal space to call my own. I still share a room with my brother, why? My parents have this flawed view of life and the role their offspring should fulfill in life. Apparently, my mother thinks that I, along with my brother, should work to help sustain our family. But why? I don't want to live with these people for the rest of my life. When is it going to be my turn?

Ha, something funny just happened; my best friend just asked me a question via BBM that hits exactly this very topic. We are planning to move by the end of this year to California, to start something new. He asked me: In a perfect world scenario, when would I move to California and why? The same question I had already presented him with a few days ago. To him I answered this:

Yesterday and because I don't have anything in here that I would like to keep living with. Because to me, Cali represents a way to finally break free. I don't mean to sound dramatic, I don't but I have been living under the same roof all my life. I have been living with the same people all my life and that, well that has imposed an imaginary role for me to fulfill. My parents want me to help with this and that and do this and that for them. What about my this and that? In Cali I won't have to answer to them. In Philly I rarely talked to my parents and it was great! Please don't think I don't love my parents because I do, very much so but I have had it. I don't want to feel like I always have to please them.

Yeah, I have some grammatical errors here and there but that's exactly what I replied to him. Its all true, I have grown tired of living in this house or any house where I have to live by the same rules. I want to live for myself and by myself. I want to be me all day every day.

A fluke of the mind.

2010-11-16T21:27:00.000-05:00

Last time I posted was... long enough for me not to know off the top of my head and thats bad. I see blogging as productive, I get to come up with well thought out ideas, opinions, opinions about just about anything when I blog. If there was no blog I would probably keep a journal, but thats only if I never got to know how it felt to type on a computer. I think I like typing better than writing, it gets my mind going faster by pressing keys than to hold a pen. I like pencils but only for drawing... Sorry, lets get back to the point.

Even though I wasn't blogging though, I was getting back into drawing and this type with more of a purpose than when I have ventured into the world of drawing before. This time I am determined to achieve something by applying my self to one thing, that thing being art. I had figured that by me only practicing and improving on one thing at a time, I would be able to accomplish more with my skills. If I want to make something of my writing aspirations, I would be better off to just concentrate on writing and nothing more. Sound assessment, right? I think so too. But what if you still feel the need to write something every now and then while you are trying to become a better graphical artist? Should I, then, should I just drop the drawing and go back to creating worlds out of words? I don't know...

On the other hand, why can't I just manage my time better or come up with a way to equally apply myself to writing and drawing? If its possible, why can't I just allow my self to move on with my ambition and aspirations? What would make this easier for me would be to have someone to guide me or keep me in check. But I don't want it to be someone that is making me turn in things just because I asked them to, I want someone who understand and believes in my dreams and openly accepts my plan. Someone that listens to my plan and has constructive criticism about what I would have to do to be better and what I'm trying to accomplish.

By My Self, But Not Alone...

2010-06-18T09:46:00.000-04:00

It's been quite some time since I last wrote here. I haven't had much to write I guess, or worse, I have swallowed up anything I would've written here long ago. No matter, here I am, about to bare you my inner thoughts. I have noticed that I have become isolated from the world around me, not in the physical sense, no, but in the emotional and somewhat metal sense. You see, I happen to enjoy talking and when I meant talking, I mean lengthy talks about random stuff. Whether it be about how the different temperature of the passing seasons affect the way colors look around you, or about how in my head there are actual places where I can go and revisit. Not all of these places are nice ones to go to, however, my mind has found it necessary to make them a permanent staple in the geology of my mind. I'm alone on those topics and more. Talking might not seem to be a very important aspect of a person's life, much less if you think that the two points I've just mentioned are of no interest to you, but when you are like me and enjoy the act of thinking and elaborating on a single strand of thought, it matters. What I like to talk about and what interests me, is, what who am I, who I like to be.

Friends and siblings I have, however, none share the interest that I have. I find my self feeling like I'm forcing my words on to them, like if what I am saying is the price to pay for knowing me and getting to spend time with and around me. No one really is listing but rather just hearing words coming out of my mouth, all they do is listen to a few words here and there and then make a comment on that one thing they actually listened to. I'm not one to make people have interest in something that doesn't interest them, let alone force interest on me. But its not their fault, no, I don't blame them. I have a rather complex view of the world, I take too much time thinking stuff over, stuff that most people would just want them to pass by and be done with them. I stare and linger at the simplest of things, I find something to talk about in anything and everything. The problem is, none of it is really a topic of conversation to those that don't see the world the same.

I've tried talking to people with "Me Mode" fully on, however, its not an aspect of me that people are drawn to, I come out as being weird or odd. Maybe I'm wrong, but then, how is it that I get to feel this way. For a certain feeling to be triggered you must be put through a certain kind of situation. If you feel fear, then you are in some uncomfortable place that holds a lot of unknown elements and that causes you to fear the place. If I feel like I do, like no one really wants to listen to what I have to say, is because I have been to that place where no one was listening, at least not to me.

Good Bye

2010-02-03T19:23:00.000-05:00

I just noticed that this blog was about a part of me that no longer exists. Its about a time in my life that is no longer relevant to my nor do I share the same feelings with the me that wrote all this. So if you had been reading what I had said, thank you for coming and I hope you liked what I have said. It is time, however, to go off into a new place, a new state of mind and a new goal in life. TTFN, Ta ta for now.

Some time has passed.

2010-02-03T19:02:00.001-05:00

I've been sitting her for a while, wondering what to say, how to captivate true beauty into the words I posses. Try as I might, and I've tried long enough, I can't come up with anything that would truly portray that which only she can posses. I used to be good at this, or so I though. Maybe I'm still good at it but its her that has overpowered my abilities and left my soul in a blissful shock. Or maybe, just maybe, it isn't what I see that inspires me so but rather her mystery, the thing that makes her so. If I could I would write in my words but as you can see, I'm not good anymore. Maybe Keats would fare better than I, though I don't think he would come close what it is that I'm trying to say. One day, maybe, my words will flow and my thoughts will become coherent enough to take advantage of my skill and let them all come together. One day, I shall let the world know what it is that I am trying to explain, for so much beauty can't go unnoticed, shouldn't be forgotten.

What Now?

2009-03-08T23:34:00.000-04:00

I've been released from the imprisonment of my former job, not willingly or because anything I did, but I'm done now. I can't help but wonder about her, all this time I've enjoyed the pleasure of embracing her presence with my eyes. I would wake up every morning knowing that I would get to see her again, not so anymore.

When tomorrow morning comes around, it won't be the same anymore. No motivation for my soul, nothing that my heart would strife for, nothing for my eyes to yearn. I don't know how or if I will be able to cope with this kind of life. I know I'll miss her, I miss her right now.

Yes, our friendship will still be there and even though she said that we'll be friends forever, my mornings have forever changed. I love her, I trully do. Every coming morning I'll be in pain, not able to have her be part of my day.

Breath of Life

2009-01-12T15:23:00.000-05:00

Today I had arrived eager to see her, aching to have my eyes embrace the sight of her. It was like a hunger my eyes were feeling, wanting to feel her visual appereance penetrate my eyes. I quickly made my way to the place where she usually resides, expecting and almost feeling the joy I would get by laying my eyes on her. Once I got to where she would be, I found an empty place. I knew she was around, but I had to delay the embrace. I felt like a caged wild animal, starving for freedom and the joy that freedom gives it. I needed to see her, I looked everywhere and couldn't find her. I tried killing time but it was little help. I felt about to break and give in to the dullness of my day without her, but alas, I saw her walk through the door and my eyes felt overwhelmed as always. My spirit was lifted and felt as if I was walking in clouds, a breath of fresh air filled my body and my facial expersion was relaxed and one of joy. I love to see her, have my eyes behold her, it is the closes I'll get to embracing her, holding her tight. My arms and body can only guess how it would feel to actually have her, a sense of jealousy fills them seeing my eyes so full of joy, so full of life. I love her, I think I really do... I certainly do.

And so i crave...

2008-08-25T21:35:00.002-04:00

So there I was in the middle of all the chaos and majestic brutality of it all. An unreal realm of happiness where everything seems within reach but it’s still so far away. Out of the darkness there, she appeared. Majestic as always, engulfed with nothing but grace and always so willing to give. I had dreamed of the day when she and I would be in the same realm. In dreams however I had control, she was in my element and I controlled her actions with my desire for her touch. In reality when I saw her, I was helpless and without control of anything around me but myself. She was so close but yet so far away and all I wanted was one second to feel her skin, even if I went unnoticed I still just wanted to feel her once. That would be all it would take for me to be content. I know she is not within my grasp and by the powers above I damn this world and its unfairness. But yet I wonder what if all this was different and I was a close friend of hers? What if she was reachable and when I tried to offer my love to her, she rejected me and with that dissolved our friendship? Would I be happier then?

Compression and copy.

2008-07-30T23:04:00.002-04:00

So i was installing Windows Vista on my computer and I noticed it said "Copying Files" followed by "Expanding files" Now i know its nothing and for everyone who has installed Windows Vista its nothing, but i began to think about thos two statements in a very... odd way. Imagine you were a file on a CD, you lived in a compressed file structure, so imagine a bunch of people all next to each other in a very tight place, shoulder to shoulder. Thats how the files are arranged in a CD. Now when you are being "copied" you might feel like you're about to be freed, let loos from your tight prison, but you're not. What actually happens is that a copy of you gets freed from your compressed prison and you stay for as long as that CD stays intact, tramped in a compression chamber, never to experience what it is to be free. Very freaky way of picturing once excistance...=P

Strong Hold

2008-07-15T13:56:00.004-04:00

This place has started to become a torment for me. Maybe by my own actions, but still not justifiable. I feel like I've waited long enough, or atleast longer than what I expected. "I'm not even supposed to be here today," a line Dante from Clerks says over and over again through the movie, that's how I feel. I'm not supposed to be here, in this in my life. I wasn't supposed to be captivated entirely by an impossible ideal. The lack of anything else in my life that can replace the ideal is keeping me trapped.

The Void.

2008-04-10T10:36:00.003-04:00

There are certain risks in falling for someone behind their back. Yes is possible fall in love with someone behind their back. If they don't know you are falling and some people do, then its behind their back. I never though I would be the one to fall in this friendship, but I did. It started fine and I didn't pay much attention to the unfolding of things, and before I knew it, I was already half way down into the bottomless pit. Now, a certain distance has seem to emerge from her towards me, and I can't help but feel affected by it. Coming to work seems to be going back to how it felt in the begining, tedious and boring. Again I'm working in a place where I can't help but feel alone and out of place. Even with my friend working in the same building as me, it still doesn't help. He and I don't have the same relationship we once had, at least as far as pertaining to me. So everyday I come to work and I feel like I'm in this void inside a populated place, the only person I can interact with is me. I know I carry a good conversation, but when who I'm talking to is myself, it becomes boring quick. She was the answer to my problem, in her I had someone to talk to who cared for what I had to say. She gave me a new level of meaning in this place, no longer was I here to just do the same thing over and over again, I had something to look forward to. All that, now, is gone and quite frankly I don't think it'll return. She has moved on, for her I'm back to buy "a guy from work," nothing more to me just that. I think I understand though, she has her life already set, with kids, a house, two cars, and a slew of friends her age. Where do I fit? I'm still a college student and certainly don't make even half of what she makes a week. Its enough for me yes, but she has other needs. Whatever gap I was filling in her life, it now seems to be closed and thus the need for me is no more. But you know, somehow I knee it would be like this, I've told my friend and my brother, I am here to help girls/women out, after I have done that for them I'm not needed anymore and I become the "in case" guy. In case they need someone to cry to about their current boyfriend or about how they wish they had more things to do because they feel bored at home, that's who I become. In a way I'm glad I have the "ability" to help them, I mean I do it with good intentions and always try to look out for them, and if in the way I get some sort of reward than that's a bonus that I gladly take. The fact that I fell in love with her makes this so much harder than the first time around. Now I come to work and see her still, but she no longer is who she used to be. I get the indiferent looks and the mild chit chat just because she knows me and I work with her, but that's it! That's all I get... This mostly my fault, I allowed this to happens, I allowed my self to fall for her. But why wouldn't I? She is beautiful in every way. She is a caring person and wonderful mom. She is funny and pretty open minded, daring when she wants to be but for that side of her you have to know her =P She is simple and down to earth, she isn't one of those girls that suffer from what I call "the cheerleader complex." She is considerate and doesn't ask for much. She is trully the perfect embodiment of Beauty. All that and so much more is what I love about her, but... I don't think she'll ever know.

Its her...

2008-02-12T10:43:00.000-05:00

Controlling the fellings inside my heart, Always seems like a hard task. Something inside of me has been growing, Every day I feel it more. Yes its true, I am trully in love with you.

Timeless

2008-01-16T15:17:00.000-05:00

With reiterateration of my peers and with the constant flame that burns within, I go through life aching for you. Yet another day goes by and nothing helps my beating heart detach it self from the notion of you. I only need to smell the air around you to send flying to another world. Your scent, sweet as a morning breeze on spring day over a field of the most exquisite flowers in the world, makes my every sense ignite with passion for you. My dreams are of a place in time when you and I are together as one. Magestically united, our hearts beating as one, in an eternal chorous of an angelic song. These dreams are what I strive for and will make them come true, for my feelings know no boundaries, nor will my determination come to a halt. I'll reach my goal you'll see, and just hope that you want me too. Our past will be enlightened, for our future will be bright. After love and much afection, only joy will fill your life. My love for you will never fail, just as time will never stop. Eternities will come and my spirit still intact will still love till the end of time. Of all this I'm sure, for I want nothing more, than to see you smiling forever more.

Us Two.

2008-01-10T15:32:00.000-05:00

If I let my self go and not think of anything, would I still find you there? If the ground beneath my feet were to crumble and swallow me whole, would you still find me? Would you care to? The unknown can be sweet, allows your mind to please your heart. Factual events come with ease and your life can flourish. Let the clock keep ticking, let the world keep turning, let all that should, come to. Without the unknown disturbed, I'll always find us two.

Sweet Dilemma.

2007-11-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

Though I know I probably shouldn't be following this path before me, its a tough decision to make. Weather I stay here or not is really irrelevant when I stop and think about it, for one, I already feel the way I do and even if I decide to pull out now, I will take this feeling with me. She has captivated me, truly and completely captivated me. The mornings start of with her in my thoughts just as my dreams begin with her dancing graciously across my subconscious dreams. At times when I feel the need to know of her during the day, I find that she too was about to get in touch with me. This all helps fuel my feeling for her even more, I know that I probably shouldn't go on with this, but I cant help it, our life have already intertwined. Sweet, sweet dilemma, makes me feel like I have her yet I cant let her know how I feel about her.

And it still goes on...

2007-09-15T21:12:00.000-04:00

I can't stand it; this feeling is just revolting inside of me. My arms are aching and I have nothing to cease the pain. I don't want this pain to stop, this pain which is brought forth by the absence of her within the grasp of my arms. How I long for one day to have her in my arms and hold her tight, have our hearts synchronize as one. Majestic unison of the language of two different souls, one voice, one mutual feeling, each other. Having her close to me, her head on my shoulder, her hair closer to my face, her neck showing ever so slightly amidst the strands of her golden hair. I would dare to dive and approach her neck like a predator about to devour it’s pray. But subtle and gentle I would be, with the same precision, and finally be close enough for me to breath her scent. I would reach a state mental and physical of utter awe. The world around us would crumble into star dust and our bodies would feel weightless across an ocean of jealous stars that look upon her beauty and can't help but wish that they too could be as beautiful as her. Ah but what a celestial arrangement her being is, perfect to the most hard to find detail.

Hardship

2007-09-15T21:11:00.000-04:00

Yet another day has gone by where I have been forced to suppress my feelings inside. I don't know if this is the way it should be or if I should just let her know, but I don't want to cause any problems. What if I push her away? I couldn't live with my self if such a thing were to happen. I see her five out of seven days of the week. The weekend its short but it helps my passion for her rise. Its as if the days when I don't see her I miss her and by that I re enforce my feelings for her. Hard to explain to you with words but its so easy to understand if you have ever been here in my situation. Ah what a bitter sweet life I lead, the woman with whom I have started to fall in love with, is withing my reach and maybe easily attainable but yet she feels so forbidden. Maybe that's what makes me feel like I do for her, the fact that I know I can't get to her, though I've had her before. Ah what a blessing that was, that was the first time in my life where I could say dreams come true. Fine you can rightfully say that the kind of dream where lust is involved shouldn't really count given that feelings are not usually linked with them, but for me they were. It was a very faint feeling I'll be honest, but when me and her were alone and our bodies intertwined, it felt as if it were always like that. Her body full of splendor, her skin softer than any fabric known to man, her scent sweet and engrossingly attractive complement her beautiful honey colored eyes. Her eyes are so modest and kind, both holding a power that so easily reaches down to my heart, they grab and hold me for as long as I can keep their image in my mind. After, when her eyes become another one of my memories in my brain, I feel the need to see her. Its as if it were a drug for a life time junkie and the moment it goes away I go into withdrawal. Not violent like a normal junkie, but you would find me staring up at the sky looking for a pair of stars that might resemble the splendor in her eyes. So now I continue to sit, thinking about her, so very close and yet never in my arms. The words start to run thin as feeling surpass the simple metaphor of the human tongue.

Loneliness

2007-07-28T14:15:00.001-04:00

To stand in this world alone takes courage, courage that not everyone has. The simple task of being alone is a big burden to carry. You will have to submit yourself to solitude and come to terms with the one thing you can't hide from, yourself. The hardest thing to accept is not what other people might say about you, but what you will think of yourself. That is the one thing that will always be true, not the type of self evaluation that you say aloud and share with other, but the things that your heart tells you about you and that your self conscience will only agree upon, those observations are the ones that sting.

Attachment

2007-07-10T22:42:00.003-04:00

Life is a funny thing we go through, most of the time we think we know the out come of things happening in our life, if lucky the outcome will be what was expected. Other times however, you think something is going one way and dramatically find that it turns out another way. What I'm referring to in particular is about relationships. Be it friendship or more than that, a relationship is the most random occurrence of life. Like for example I had thought that I wouldn't become attached to a girl I met, I actually thought the opposite. I would say to my self that she would most likely be the one getting too attached to me and that I wouldn't because I had control over my emotions, well it wasn't like that. Now at this moment in time I feel as if I'm more attached to her then she is to me... quiet frankly I think I'm the only one that has developed some sort of attachment at all. During the night or any time I get to my self I start to analyze my situation and come to a possible conclusion, maybe I just need a girl to have as an actual girlfriend. Last time I had one of those was like 2 years ago and that was a long relationship too, lasted for four years one month and some days. I am having fun being single, don't get me wrong, but I think that somewhere in me, there is a part that wants to have a girl. I mean without all the drama and hard times I had towards the end of my last relationship, I enjoyed having someone to go to at the end of the day and talk about random nonsense that most likely no one would care for. Now more often than not I find myself looking for someone to talk to about what I want. Within my group of friends, though we share a lot of things when it comes to interests, there isn't one person I can really talk to.

Standing

2007-07-10T22:42:00.002-04:00

Time comes and goes through my life. I start to wonder off into the sky, wonder what is it that goes by in your side. It was all going according to plan, fun here and fun there, nothing serious all is fair. Little by little, day by night, something strange began inside. It wasn't possible, no it cant, but out of the ashes there it stands. I had a feeling you might be here, not I nor me, but you standing still. How wrong was my mind, thinking for my feelings ahead of time. "Ah the irony" I say, be careful what you wished for my dear lad, for the next time you turn your way a new venture will be at hand. Heh, wish I knew that before hand. Now I'm here by my self but yet never alone. always someone to talk to but never anything to talk about. I think I fell, the wrong way I fell. This one gem, with hidden beauty and so much to show, it captivated me, it drew me in. I like it here, I like the way it feels when you are here. I wish you knew, but now I'm here, not you nor we, but me, here standing still.

Reality

2007-06-14T12:10:00.001-04:00

Reality can change depending on where you look at it from. Think of reality as an object with many sides, and of an enormous magnitude. Its an object that can't be seen in its entirety from any point, no matter where you stand, you will never be able to see all of it at once. To be able to comprehend what reality could really be, you need to know more, its a case of "the more you know, the more you see," only then you begin to grasp a part of what reality could really be. A simple example is when you look at a rubber ball. As a child you only see it as an object that can roll and bounce around, that is the entire concept you have of what a ball is. As you grow older and start finding out what things make up the ball and why it actually bounces and rolls. You figure out that its made out of rubber and that rubber comes from petroleum and that petroleum is a natural resource. You also find out that the ball is able to bounce because it the energy you put into it as it hits the ground and the releases it by displacing it from the bottom part of the sphere to the one on top, giving it an impulse to jump up. Then you know that the energy that it uses it a combination of kinetic energy and potential energy. And finally you notice that the reason the ball starts to bounce less and less is due to the momentum of the ball slowing down. After all that you have reached a perception of the reality of the ball that it’s pretty complex. It is closer to the true reality of it but not 100% true just yet. After all this facts are know, if you so desire you can go deeper into the composition of the ball and analyze the quantum elements and behavior that the ball posses. The same concept can be applied to interaction with other people. If you're having a conversation with a person and then you come to a point of disagreement, you would fare much better if you took yourself out of context and look at your discussion from the third point of view and try to take notice of what both parties, you and your friend, feel towards the subject. Think of all the reasons why your friend my not agree with you think of what motive he or she might have to think that way and then do the same with you. Once an understanding of what each person feels and thinks has been reached, the reality of the topic at hand becomes clear. Now the topic is visible from two sides and there for your judgment will be more precise and fair to both. If more people start to join the topic of discussion you can start to see what the next party member thinks and knows about and you can then added it to you own understanding of the topic thus materializing a more complete version of the reality than both of your friends that are on topic with you. Its not a must to try and figure out all that there might be to know about any one thing, but if you put some effort into acquiring more information and noticing different perspectives, you will be better equipped to either enter a debate or to see more and appreciate whatever you might come across.

The Dungeon...

2007-06-08T11:51:00.000-04:00

Constrained by the lack of knowledge of this dungeon, I blindly search for a way out. The corridors seem to get longer at every turn. The lights emitted by the torches are dim, making it impossible to see ahead. Constantly running towards a black hole. Sweat begins to drip down my body and the air starts to get thick. My legs begin to weigh more and more but I can't stop running, there is something creeping up behind. Consumed by fear I refuse to turn back and see what's there, all I feel is a stare locked on me, making my back feel as though two sticks where pushing against it, yet its not enough to make me look back. On the next right I make I see a sign of hope, a small stream of water running between the cracks of the stones that make up the ancient floor. I'm going up stream, and I think to my self -"there must be a way out at the end of this stream." My legs feel refortified, my mind finds some peace, when people say that water is the essence of life you really don't get it, but now here I am with new found strength and life just at the sight of running water. The stare on my back still stays, though now its bearable. I pick up speed and the stream gets wider, more water is visible on the floor, the source of this water must be getting near! Finally an exit to my nightmare, nothing could bring me more joy at this moment in time. The sound of the falling water is finally loud enough for my ears to hear, a few more feet of running and I feel a cold breeze carried by the waterfall I think its at the end. Yes I see it! its water coming from the ceiling. The end of the corridor I've been running in its finally coming to an end, and there at the end it's a big opening, its a great room shaped like a massive dome. The waterfall has filled the entire area, the piece of the ceiling that fell an allowed the water to fall is floating in the center of the pond. I come to a stop when the dry land ends, what am I supposed to do? I finally have the courage to look back...and there is nothing. Whatever it was I felt following me has stopped. I can't help to wonder what could've been and why did it stop. I didn't dwell too much into it, I look at the body of water in front of me and decided to go for a drink. The water was fresh, ah how relieving this felt after so many hours of running on damp and dark halls I finally get to a place where light is abundant. The hole in the ceiling is making everything shine, light just pouring from the outside world. The water keeps falling and I decide to rest. After a few minutes of resting I swim for the floating piece of ceiling. Half way through its when it hits me, whatever was following me for such a long time wouldn't just all of the sudden stop. There had to be something else to invoke such a reaction from it. I make it to the center and then a rumble is felt at my feet. I look around concerned and slightly afraid. Bubbles start coming from the bottom of this lake and a creeping roar is felt all over the dome. Bubble stop as does the roar and a dead silence takes over. It feels strange...all of the sudden the platform floating in the water starts to vibrate, an enormous splash of water explodes at the surface of the lake and there in the middle of all the chaos a shadowy figure starts to emerge...

Hate and Love

2007-04-01T23:32:00.000-04:00

Hate is a powerful feeling; it takes a lot from one person to actually hate some one. It is the same as loving someone; same in the sense of power, on the effectiveness of it... well Hate is always victorious. When you hate someone and act upon your hate, you will always come out victorious. You do something to make someone suffer and it will always pay off. When you create suffering there is only different degrees of suffering. It could be minor suffering but its still suffering or it could be unbearable suffering, it’s all still just that... suffering. When you love some one you are in for a world of disappointment. You try to please and satisfy the person you love, you put all your heart into it and do everything with the best attitude possible and yet you are still looking at very unstable odds. Nothing will ever warranty you that what you do for love will be accepted in the way you want nor will you know if you will get the answer you want. Love is such a weak feeling when it’s put into practice. You are putting yourself on the line of fire when you act in the name of love; the receiving partner on the love encounter has the power to hurt you. One accepts the fact that pain may come on way but never prepares itself for it. Hate on the other hand is always full of accomplishment, like I said before there are only different degrees of suffering and pain, and thus only different degrees of satisfaction.

Cloud 9

2007-04-01T19:05:00.000-04:00

NOTE You need to have read the Weed-O-Sphere post before this makes sense to you. Alright so the Weed-o-sphere was born, and with it a world full of happiness :) After a few days i think since the creation of the Weed-o-sphere, me and Saulo gathered together again. This time we went higher. Saulo started off by floating away, he couldn't control it. After looking at him struggling to stay down I decided to go and help em. I jumped on to where he was and tried to hold him down, and keep him on land, it was no use for we were on our way up. We started to ascend at a steady speed, the wind felt very comfortable as we soared into the vastness of the sky. We went so high that we had exit the earth itself and we were now in space. After some talk Saulo realized and amazing thing, the Earth's moon was in fact the Earth's very own "ass". After that realization we started to inspect all the other planets and realized yet another thing, Jupiter is a fat whore. Jupiter with its sixteen moons meant that it needed sixteen assholes to poop out all its shit. This also made it a whore because it took sixteen uh....instruments of pleasure to please Jupiter. With this revelation I found out the truth to the meaning of Saturn's rings. Saturn hooked up with Jupiter and had a massive amount of babies. These babies that were created by the interstellar relation that Saturn and Jupiter had, formed what we now see as the Rings of Saturn. Every ring is one of the being born from that cosmic event. Mean while as all of this was going on the Weed-o-sphere was doing something else. The Weed-o-sphere back at our Earth was having its own fun. Amy Lee from Evanescence went up to the Weed-o-sphere and (please don't ask "how" let your mind decided what is logic to you) hooked up with it. Now the Weed-o-sphere and Amy lee were getting it on. Both of them having sex with each other. The time this intercourse is not too clear since it was more of a cosmic event than something we human would be able to understand. After they were done, Amy Lee gave birth to Cloud Nine. Cloud Nine became the out most high point to ever be reached by a person. Amy Lee then went to make a song in honor of her offspring and titled it Cloud Nine. Me and Saulo landed on this Cloud Nine after the Jupiter/Saturn incident. Ah what a great place that is. In Cloud Nine you feel so great that you never want to leave, you just want to be there and enjoy what you feel, everything becomes real. While me and Saulo were there, we both indulged in what was going on, bliss. Then out of nowhere, I spotted these red bubbles, they were great in numbers, coming closer and closer to us. The bubbles started to bounce on my face, a bunch of them all at once. As they were bouncing, they would also start to pop right on my face, it felt great. The feeling was of a cool breeze on every spot where a bubble would pop. I asked Saulo if he saw them, and as expected, he did. It was great, a stampede of red bubbles full of pleasure bouncing all over the place. The bubbles stopped and me and Saulo were still up there in the cloud. We started to look around and saw that Chieky was all the way down. We tried calling him but we were so high that Chieky couldn't hear us at all. This created a problem, we heared a song we liked coming from the TV Chieky was watching and we told him to put it up, but just as before, Chieky couldn't hear us. I decided to take one for the team and went down to talk to Chieky. I made sure i had the means to come back up, so i tied my self to the cloud and slowly allowed my self to descend to where Chieky was. While i was going down i could see Saulo trying to reach for me, he thought i wouldn't come back. Once i reached Chieky i told him "put that up man we cant hear it up there!" Chieky looked at me and smiled. The music volume was up and with that my time to depart to the cloud had come. I made the climb all the way to the top, it was a relieve to be back up there with Saulo. We enjoyed ourself for a long time looking up at the space and just floating around, it was great. "Yo Saulo, we should call somebody to come here." I told Saulo while I was reaching for my cellphone. He agreed, and so i called Natasha. Natasha was a little too happy (drunk =P) and when she picked up the phone, who would've thought Cellphones work from outer space lol, and i told her "Come here to Cloud Nine with me and Saulo," the called ended. Natasha showed up in Cloud Nine only a few seconds later. Me and Saulo were in awe! Natasha had made it up to the cloud in a record time. We couldn't come up with an explanation so we decided to ask her how she had accomplished such a feat. "How did you make it up here so fast!?" me and Saulo awaited the answer anxiously, "Felipe called me." We started to laugh with Saulo, "we know why you are here, but how did you make it up here so fast?" "because Felipe called me and told me to come." It was a very humorous moment, laughing was all too easy, Saulo when he managed to catch his breath said "Natasha how did you physically make it up here so fast?" I don't think Natasha answered, if she did I certainly don't remember lol. After that me and Saulo just let our selves relax and enjoy Cloud Nine. Saulo after a while called Gus to come up with us. When Gus got there we talked for a while and laughed, it was a good time. Then it was time for him to leave, thats when Gus did something in expectable. Gus must've thought that jumping off was a good idea to get off the cloud, so he approached the edge of the cloud and jumped. It was so surreal to me and Saulo that we were laughing yet I felt scared. After we had calmed down we lost track of time and space, people say we made it back to Earth slowly and then we just went to sleep. It was an awesome adventure...

Pearl

2007-03-25T15:56:00.000-04:00

Dark in the middle of the night i sat. Nothing was visible, as hard as I tried I could never seem to find the light. I was wishing for the end of the tunnel for quiet a while, then I allowed it to settle into my veins. The Darkness had made itself anew within my self, I was happy in total disillusion. I learned to make the most out of what the sweet darkness could provide me with. After a few eons had past, something happened, the darkness was willingly disturbed. She had arrived, her majestic looks were embraced by my eyes, my heart felt sudden warmth. It was a blessing maybe or it was a false sense of joy. Whatever it might have been it created a new me, a new beginning to my already going story, a beginning that I will take and develop. A shinning pearl deep in the night, even without a source of light managed to light up the way, bringing me closer to her. I could smell her sent and all I did was dream...

The Weed-o-sphere

2007-03-25T11:50:00.000-04:00

So we were in this island one day. The weather was great, clear blue sky and the breeze was cool. We had just washed ashore. I turned to my left and there i saw my two friends Rita and Saulo, both looked like i did...just washed ashore.

We met up with each other and talked, out of no where Chieky, my other friend, shows up and we all wonder how he got here, and then how did WE get here. So a round of questions started, Saulo and Rita both got to the island together. Both were previously in the Titanic, while the sinking was going on Saulo said that he was used as a counter weight to try to balance the ship. That didn't work and obviously as we all know, the Titanic sunk. Rita saw Saulo in the water and used him as a raft to reach safety. Both knocked out during the night and woke up at the Island. My reason on how i got to the island....i never really did find out. All i remember is being wet for a long time and then BAM!! i was on the island. so yeah everyone had pretty simple and straight forward stories except Chieky. He started telling us some stuff about an airplane and that something happen to it he thought of something and what not and then he fell from the sky and landed on the Island.

Anyways, what happens now its what make a difference since its an event that created the Weed-o-sphere. We were all hanging out for a while and we decided to explore the island. we were still at the shore so we made our way to the innards of the island. i was in the front and noticed the big deal. The whole island was full of weed plants!!!! ALL the trees were giant Weed plants one after the other the whole entire place was a huge Weed Garden. I told my friends about it and they all started laughing, it was great, i mean all the weed and just four of us. But then when we were embracing the sight, some how i created a forest fire. Now the whole island was burning up and filling the air with smoke.

We watch the event as we got high from the fire. After not too long when all the weed was gone, our planet earth had something new, a Weed-o-sphere. Its a new layer of the Earth's atmosphere all made out of weed. Its right before the astronauts reach space. So when a rocket takes off and the astronauts are all nervous about the flight, they go through the Weed-o-sphere, get high and have an awesome mission (imagine high in space with no gravity...INSANE). At the time this new layer of sphere was created, the whole planet experienced a global high, i like to call it "The Big Pot"...well i dont really call it that but its a name lol.

That was our experience that one day, and thanks to the Weed-o-sphere great things happen later on, but thats another story for another blog.

Crystal

2007-03-21T02:41:00.000-04:00

This was a piece i wrote last November. it was for a friend... A dream, a desire, a picture painted to perfection in a fragile crystal. Its purpose is to accentuate its beauty. Nothing seems to break the picture but yet you grow nervous as you get closer to it. The light shinning through makes it ever so much more beautiful than you ever thought. Cautiously you walk towards it in hope of you being able to touch it, Once, at least once you would want to feel it in your hands and let that feeling take over your senses. You get there you reach out, you are almost there, and once you think you are going to feel it and your heart explodes with happiness and overwhelming joy... The crystal broke, only its pieces remain, ah what a bitter sweet sensation. Finally you get to feel it, but now its broken and you have nothing that could fix it. But wait, there is more, there is still you.. You the one who saw her in that state of beauty, who knows you could soon find another majestic one and a beauty she will be. Hold your self together, the best is yet to come...

Needless Sleep

2007-03-21T02:35:00.000-04:00

I am the kind of person that doesn't like to sleep much at all. Sleep to me is a wast of time, I am aware of what happens while you sleep. The whole energy replenishment its fine, i just wish there was another way to get your energy back. Right now its 2:38am and i will be up by 7am but i refuse to go to sleep yet. I mean there is so much i could do right now. If I fall asleep time passes by rapidly, nothing gets really accomplished, aside from the bodily function. Reading is something I really enjoy and at night time seems to be a very proper time to do so. I don't have to deal with any noise or distraction since all is in perpetual silence.