Guilty of a personal choice.

I'm at a loss, I feel as though I have reached the bottom of it all... The bottom of something, that's for sure.

You might be one of those people that incriminate weed and those that use it, to you I say, Fuck You. Weed is no more harmful than coffee and a lot safer than the alcohol you drink with your friend or alone at night. Before you spew out any ignorant comment about how I am wrong, why don't you do yourself a favor and objectively look up information about cannabis, not "marijuana", cannabis.

I have enjoyed weed for the past nine years or so now, I have never committed any crime nor am I someone that treats people badly. My usual weed sessions consisted on hanging out with friends laughing at anything slightly amusing and talking about things that most people wouldn't even dare entertain. I don't mean that in a pompous way but I am sure not many spend any time talking about the adventures of a dried up booger found on an empty bag of chips. There are moment, however, when we did talk about more worthwhile things, like trying to rationalize death. Which, by the way, while you're high, can get way too detailed and way too overwhelming way too fast. Aside from the hangouts, I would enjoy walks by my neighborhood, walking at night with NYC as the backdrop. Its a beautiful thing for sure and once again, aided by the enhanced senses thanks to the cannabis, it just makes the view that much more majestic. Add to that some music and believe me, you are in for a marvelous treat, something that alcohol could never offer you. Trust me, I know about drinking and getting buzzed.

I used to drink a ton of alcohol on a daily basis back in the day, in my first year of college my friends and I would drink on a nightly bases (no one cool drinks during the day). Bottles and bottles of liquor would pile up in my friend's house, our "frat house". That all ended for me once I began to smoke weed however, the feeling of being high its far better than getting drunk. You don't black out, you don't feel like throwing up, your liver thanks you and you have no hangover the next day. Its the total opposite, things taste better, movies are much more engaging, music FEELS better, you become more creative, you find yourself enjoying the smaller things at a much grandiose scale and best of all sex is so much fucking better. Yes it is AMAZING! Not only does it enhance the experience but it also makes you last so much longer than you normally would and the girl likes it! Yup, longer sessions and its a win win for both parties involved. And above all this, its not an addictive substance.

A little over a year ago, my brother and I were smoking a blunt in a dark walk way near my house, its not one of those "dangerous" areas, its just a path not really used at night. We were just sitting there, talking, hanging out and having a blunt, something we would do on occasion. We had finished smoking, we were sitting there for a bit longer while my brother talked on the phone when a couple of older men walk by us. Soon after these individuals walked by us, police officers show up.They ask us what we were doing and asks us to stand up. One of the officers goes into my pocket and I stop him, I tell him he can't search me. He didn't see us doing anything but sitting down there for there was no probable cause for him to go on an put his hand in my pocket. The officer, being a dick, gets upset that I knew better than him, get all riled up and tells me that he was tipped by a reliable source that we were smoking weed. In hindsight, I should've just told them what I had, it could've turned out better but  whatever, whats done its done. In any case, I was found with half a dub in my pocket, I was cuffed and walked to the patrol. On the way there, I asked the officer "why is this illegal, why is smoking a plant illegal? Why?" We stopped on our tracks and he looked at me and said "this is why, because when you smoke it you ask stupid shit like this!" How are police officers enforcing laws that they themselves don't understand? How can you follow something that you can't even explain to someone when asked to? How can anyone subscribe to any system and not have the foresight, the intelligence to question it? Does everyone just bow their heads down and do as their told, no questions asked? Are you that weak? That was my first time arrested for possession of cannabis. I went to court, paid $300 for a shitty attorney, which I guess makes sense, for $300 you can't expect much better. All he did for me was a conditional discharge which the public defendant could've done for $80.  I was given a fine of $900 and eight moths probation. Waste of time and money for a stupid law.

Imagine you are walking around with a cup of coffee that you paid $8 for and as your walking you pass by a person who calls the cops on you because you made a PERSONAL DECISION to drink some coffee. You didn't force anyone else to drink coffee with your, you didn't even make the person who called the cops on you smell the coffee nor did you offer him any. In no way, shape or form did you invade his privacy or stopped him from smoking his cigarette but he had the "right" to call the cops on you because he believes that what you are doing is a crime. You, drinking YOUR coffee, its a crime and because of that person you are faced with a $900 fine and probation time. How is that a law? How is anything that affects no one but you a criminal act? How is smoking a cigarette any worse than smoking weed?!

If you have done any decent amount of research on the effects of smoking cannabis, you will find out that there is nothing in it that makes it worse than a cigarette, alcohol or coffee. You would be doing your body a good service to switch from cigarettes to weed, no chemicals on cannabis, just a simple flower that grows from the ground. The most "processing" the cannabis flower goes through, is you breaking it up to then roll it up in a paper. Thats it.

Really.

There is nothing more to weed than breaking up a dried up flower and rolling it in a paper or packing it into a pipe.

After my probation period was done I began to smoke weed again, I went back to enjoying a late night stroll overlooking the New York Skyline. Things were going good, I would go to work, come back home to my parents and then go out for walks while I listened to some music. No harm done to anyone. A year or so has passed since my first offence when I get arrested again for holding a blunt. Thats it, for just holding it.

I've lived in the U.S. for the past twenty years, I graduated from grammar school and high school here, attended multiple colleges here, I have made my life here. Paying taxes like every other respectable person in this country, minding my own business and living life calmly. However, the same asshole from a year ago, passed by me while I was walking with my friends as I rolled the blunt.

It was after midnight on a Tuesday, no one around us, no kids nor adults, well, no adults other than the asshole officer walking around. He called the patrol and we were all stopped a few feet from where I finished rolling the blunt. This time I was nice to the officers, I played their game, told them what I had in my pockets, followed orders and answered all their questions. One of the detectives, the one with whom I was sitting with in the car, told me he would let me go, that I wasn't doing anything wrong and he would just take the weed from me and send me home but he couldn't, the asshole of his boss was there, the same asshole who called them to stop us, he was the one that saw us so it was up to him.

My parents don't know any of this, what for? They have enough to worry about. My dad has cancer, my mom works in any little thing she can to help out with the bills while my brother and I provide the majority of the income to our house. I'm not a criminal but now, thanks to Captain Ass Whipe, I have to worry about going to court again on a second "offense" which may or may not lead to jail time or even to some immigration problems. I'm not a citizen here but I'm not illegal, I have been a permanent legal resident of the United States for the past twenty consecutive years. This country is my life.

I spoke to the public defendant this time and he tells me I wont be deported nor will I go to jail but the criminal record might be tough to fight. What does that mean? Well, when I apply to any other job I will have to check "yes" on the part where they ask you if you have been convicted of any crime in the past. I'm going to have to check "yes" to committing the crime of making a personal choice to smoke a dried flower. I have to check "yes" to have committed the crime of being an individual with his own vices. I have to now be considered in the same light as some who has raped, stolen, assaulted, murdered or kidnapped. I now run the risk of joining that kind of people for choosing to do something as harmless as drinking coffee late at night, all because some miserable man decided that what I was doing was wrong, because he decided that the consequences fit the "crime". Even if I don't get the conviction, I will definitely end up with a fine of up to $1,800.

Don't start with the "you should've thought about all this before you did it" or "the officer was just doing his job", just don't. That would just make you ignorant, I didn't commit any more of a crime than someone who drinks out in the open with a brown paper bag but they don't consider that a crime. I have had anxiety attacks because of this, I have a high level of stress because of this, my health is suffering because I made a personal choice to enjoy my life.

Maybe...

Recently I told my parents that they shouldn't expect to have any grand kids coming from me any time soon or at all, that I wasn't interested in a long term relationship. I'm not sure if that's exactly true.

Maybe I just don't think its possible for me to find someone willing to invest in me like I would in them...

Here again...

I'm back there again, I'm back to where I feel like I don't belong in the house I currently live in. I have omitted "my house" from the sentence because it isn't my house. I don't even have a personal space to call my own. I still share a room with my brother, why? My parents have this flawed view of life and the role their offspring should fulfill in life. Apparently, my mother thinks that I, along with my brother, should work to help sustain our family. But why? I don't want to live with these people for the rest of my life. When is it going to be my turn?

Ha, something funny just happened; my best friend just asked me a question via BBM that hits exactly this very topic. We are planning to move by the end of this year to California, to start something new. He asked me: In a perfect world scenario, when would I move to California and why? The same question I had already presented him with a few days ago. To him I answered this:

Yesterday and because I don't have anything in here that I would like to keep living with. Because to me, Cali represents a way to finally break free. I don't mean to sound dramatic, I don't but I have been living under the same roof all my life. I have been living with the same people all my life and that, well that has imposed an imaginary role for me to fulfill. My parents want me to help with this and that and do this and that for them. What about my this and that? In Cali I won't have to answer to them. In Philly I rarely talked to my parents and it was great! Please don't think I don't love my parents because I do, very much so but I have had it. I don't want to feel like I always have to please them.

 Yeah, I have some grammatical errors here and there but that's exactly what I replied to him. Its all true, I have grown tired of living in this house or any house where I have to live by the same rules. I want to live for myself and by myself. I want to be me all day every day.

A fluke of the mind.

Last time I posted was... long enough for me not to know off the top of my head and thats bad. I see blogging as productive, I get to come up with well thought out ideas, opinions, opinions about just about anything when I blog. If there was no blog I would probably keep a journal, but thats only if I never got to know how it felt to type on a computer. I think I like typing better than writing, it gets my mind going faster by pressing keys than to hold a pen. I like pencils but only for drawing... Sorry, lets get back to the point.

Even though I wasn't blogging though, I was getting back into drawing and this type with more of a purpose than when I have ventured into the world of drawing before. This time I am determined to achieve something by applying my self to one thing, that thing being art. I had figured that by me only practicing and improving on one thing at a time, I would be able to accomplish more with my skills. If I want to make something of my writing aspirations, I would be better off to just concentrate on writing and nothing more. Sound assessment, right? I think so too. But what if you still feel the need to write something every now and then while you are trying to become a better graphical artist? Should I, then, should I just drop the drawing and go back to creating worlds out of words? I don't know...

On the other hand, why can't I just manage my time better or come up with a way to equally apply myself to writing and drawing? If its possible, why can't I just allow my self to move on with my ambition and aspirations? What would make this easier for me would be to have someone to guide me or keep me in check. But I don't want it to be someone that is making me turn in things just because I asked them to, I want someone who understand and believes in my dreams and openly accepts my plan. Someone that listens to my plan and has constructive criticism about what I would have to do to be better and what I'm trying to accomplish.