And so i crave...

So there I was in the middle of all the chaos and majestic brutality of it all. An unreal realm of happiness where everything seems within reach but it’s still so far away. Out of the darkness there, she appeared. Majestic as always, engulfed with nothing but grace and always so willing to give. I had dreamed of the day when she and I would be in the same realm. In dreams however I had control, she was in my element and I controlled her actions with my desire for her touch. In reality when I saw her, I was helpless and without control of anything around me but myself. She was so close but yet so far away and all I wanted was one second to feel her skin, even if I went unnoticed I still just wanted to feel her once. That would be all it would take for me to be content. I know she is not within my grasp and by the powers above I damn this world and its unfairness. But yet I wonder what if all this was different and I was a close friend of hers? What if she was reachable and when I tried to offer my love to her, she rejected me and with that dissolved our friendship? Would I be happier then?

Compression and copy.

So i was installing Windows Vista on my computer and I noticed it said "Copying Files" followed by "Expanding files" Now i know its nothing and for everyone who has installed Windows Vista its nothing, but i began to think about thos two statements in a very... odd way. Imagine you were a file on a CD, you lived in a compressed file structure, so imagine a bunch of people all next to each other in a very tight place, shoulder to shoulder. Thats how the files are arranged in a CD. Now when you are being "copied" you might feel like you're about to be freed, let loos from your tight prison, but you're not. What actually happens is that a copy of you gets freed from your compressed prison and you stay for as long as that CD stays intact, tramped in a compression chamber, never to experience what it is to be free. Very freaky way of picturing once excistance...=P

Strong Hold

This place has started to become a torment for me. Maybe by my own actions, but still not justifiable. I feel like I've waited long enough, or atleast longer than what I expected. "I'm not even supposed to be here today," a line Dante from Clerks says over and over again through the movie, that's how I feel. I'm not supposed to be here, in this in my life. I wasn't supposed to be captivated entirely by an impossible ideal. The lack of anything else in my life that can replace the ideal is keeping me trapped.

The Void.

There are certain risks in falling for someone behind their back. Yes is possible fall in love with someone behind their back. If they don't know you are falling and some people do, then its behind their back. I never though I would be the one to fall in this friendship, but I did. It started fine and I didn't pay much attention to the unfolding of things, and before I knew it, I was already half way down into the bottomless pit. Now, a certain distance has seem to emerge from her towards me, and I can't help but feel affected by it. Coming to work seems to be going back to how it felt in the begining, tedious and boring. Again I'm working in a place where I can't help but feel alone and out of place. Even with my friend working in the same building as me, it still doesn't help. He and I don't have the same relationship we once had, at least as far as pertaining to me. So everyday I come to work and I feel like I'm in this void inside a populated place, the only person I can interact with is me. I know I carry a good conversation, but when who I'm talking to is myself, it becomes boring quick. She was the answer to my problem, in her I had someone to talk to who cared for what I had to say. She gave me a new level of meaning in this place, no longer was I here to just do the same thing over and over again, I had something to look forward to. All that, now, is gone and quite frankly I don't think it'll return. She has moved on, for her I'm back to buy "a guy from work," nothing more to me just that. I think I understand though, she has her life already set, with kids, a house, two cars, and a slew of friends her age. Where do I fit? I'm still a college student and certainly don't make even half of what she makes a week. Its enough for me yes, but she has other needs. Whatever gap I was filling in her life, it now seems to be closed and thus the need for me is no more. But you know, somehow I knee it would be like this, I've told my friend and my brother, I am here to help girls/women out, after I have done that for them I'm not needed anymore and I become the "in case" guy. In case they need someone to cry to about their current boyfriend or about how they wish they had more things to do because they feel bored at home, that's who I become. In a way I'm glad I have the "ability" to help them, I mean I do it with good intentions and always try to look out for them, and if in the way I get some sort of reward than that's a bonus that I gladly take. The fact that I fell in love with her makes this so much harder than the first time around. Now I come to work and see her still, but she no longer is who she used to be. I get the indiferent looks and the mild chit chat just because she knows me and I work with her, but that's it! That's all I get... This mostly my fault, I allowed this to happens, I allowed my self to fall for her. But why wouldn't I? She is beautiful in every way. She is a caring person and wonderful mom. She is funny and pretty open minded, daring when she wants to be but for that side of her you have to know her =P She is simple and down to earth, she isn't one of those girls that suffer from what I call "the cheerleader complex." She is considerate and doesn't ask for much. She is trully the perfect embodiment of Beauty. All that and so much more is what I love about her, but... I don't think she'll ever know.

Its her...

Controlling the fellings inside my heart, Always seems like a hard task. Something inside of me has been growing, Every day I feel it more. Yes its true, I am trully in love with you.

Timeless

With reiterateration of my peers and with the constant flame that burns within, I go through life aching for you. Yet another day goes by and nothing helps my beating heart detach it self from the notion of you. I only need to smell the air around you to send flying to another world. Your scent, sweet as a morning breeze on spring day over a field of the most exquisite flowers in the world, makes my every sense ignite with passion for you. My dreams are of a place in time when you and I are together as one. Magestically united, our hearts beating as one, in an eternal chorous of an angelic song. These dreams are what I strive for and will make them come true, for my feelings know no boundaries, nor will my determination come to a halt. I'll reach my goal you'll see, and just hope that you want me too. Our past will be enlightened, for our future will be bright. After love and much afection, only joy will fill your life. My love for you will never fail, just as time will never stop. Eternities will come and my spirit still intact will still love till the end of time. Of all this I'm sure, for I want nothing more, than to see you smiling forever more.

Us Two.

If I let my self go and not think of anything, would I still find you there? If the ground beneath my feet were to crumble and swallow me whole, would you still find me? Would you care to? The unknown can be sweet, allows your mind to please your heart. Factual events come with ease and your life can flourish. Let the clock keep ticking, let the world keep turning, let all that should, come to. Without the unknown disturbed, I'll always find us two.