Guilty of a personal choice.

I'm at a loss, I feel as though I have reached the bottom of it all... The bottom of something, that's for sure.

You might be one of those people that incriminate weed and those that use it, to you I say, Fuck You. Weed is no more harmful than coffee and a lot safer than the alcohol you drink with your friend or alone at night. Before you spew out any ignorant comment about how I am wrong, why don't you do yourself a favor and objectively look up information about cannabis, not "marijuana", cannabis.

I have enjoyed weed for the past nine years or so now, I have never committed any crime nor am I someone that treats people badly. My usual weed sessions consisted on hanging out with friends laughing at anything slightly amusing and talking about things that most people wouldn't even dare entertain. I don't mean that in a pompous way but I am sure not many spend any time talking about the adventures of a dried up booger found on an empty bag of chips. There are moment, however, when we did talk about more worthwhile things, like trying to rationalize death. Which, by the way, while you're high, can get way too detailed and way too overwhelming way too fast. Aside from the hangouts, I would enjoy walks by my neighborhood, walking at night with NYC as the backdrop. Its a beautiful thing for sure and once again, aided by the enhanced senses thanks to the cannabis, it just makes the view that much more majestic. Add to that some music and believe me, you are in for a marvelous treat, something that alcohol could never offer you. Trust me, I know about drinking and getting buzzed.

I used to drink a ton of alcohol on a daily basis back in the day, in my first year of college my friends and I would drink on a nightly bases (no one cool drinks during the day). Bottles and bottles of liquor would pile up in my friend's house, our "frat house". That all ended for me once I began to smoke weed however, the feeling of being high its far better than getting drunk. You don't black out, you don't feel like throwing up, your liver thanks you and you have no hangover the next day. Its the total opposite, things taste better, movies are much more engaging, music FEELS better, you become more creative, you find yourself enjoying the smaller things at a much grandiose scale and best of all sex is so much fucking better. Yes it is AMAZING! Not only does it enhance the experience but it also makes you last so much longer than you normally would and the girl likes it! Yup, longer sessions and its a win win for both parties involved. And above all this, its not an addictive substance.

A little over a year ago, my brother and I were smoking a blunt in a dark walk way near my house, its not one of those "dangerous" areas, its just a path not really used at night. We were just sitting there, talking, hanging out and having a blunt, something we would do on occasion. We had finished smoking, we were sitting there for a bit longer while my brother talked on the phone when a couple of older men walk by us. Soon after these individuals walked by us, police officers show up.They ask us what we were doing and asks us to stand up. One of the officers goes into my pocket and I stop him, I tell him he can't search me. He didn't see us doing anything but sitting down there for there was no probable cause for him to go on an put his hand in my pocket. The officer, being a dick, gets upset that I knew better than him, get all riled up and tells me that he was tipped by a reliable source that we were smoking weed. In hindsight, I should've just told them what I had, it could've turned out better but  whatever, whats done its done. In any case, I was found with half a dub in my pocket, I was cuffed and walked to the patrol. On the way there, I asked the officer "why is this illegal, why is smoking a plant illegal? Why?" We stopped on our tracks and he looked at me and said "this is why, because when you smoke it you ask stupid shit like this!" How are police officers enforcing laws that they themselves don't understand? How can you follow something that you can't even explain to someone when asked to? How can anyone subscribe to any system and not have the foresight, the intelligence to question it? Does everyone just bow their heads down and do as their told, no questions asked? Are you that weak? That was my first time arrested for possession of cannabis. I went to court, paid $300 for a shitty attorney, which I guess makes sense, for $300 you can't expect much better. All he did for me was a conditional discharge which the public defendant could've done for $80.  I was given a fine of $900 and eight moths probation. Waste of time and money for a stupid law.

Imagine you are walking around with a cup of coffee that you paid $8 for and as your walking you pass by a person who calls the cops on you because you made a PERSONAL DECISION to drink some coffee. You didn't force anyone else to drink coffee with your, you didn't even make the person who called the cops on you smell the coffee nor did you offer him any. In no way, shape or form did you invade his privacy or stopped him from smoking his cigarette but he had the "right" to call the cops on you because he believes that what you are doing is a crime. You, drinking YOUR coffee, its a crime and because of that person you are faced with a $900 fine and probation time. How is that a law? How is anything that affects no one but you a criminal act? How is smoking a cigarette any worse than smoking weed?!

If you have done any decent amount of research on the effects of smoking cannabis, you will find out that there is nothing in it that makes it worse than a cigarette, alcohol or coffee. You would be doing your body a good service to switch from cigarettes to weed, no chemicals on cannabis, just a simple flower that grows from the ground. The most "processing" the cannabis flower goes through, is you breaking it up to then roll it up in a paper. Thats it.

Really.

There is nothing more to weed than breaking up a dried up flower and rolling it in a paper or packing it into a pipe.

After my probation period was done I began to smoke weed again, I went back to enjoying a late night stroll overlooking the New York Skyline. Things were going good, I would go to work, come back home to my parents and then go out for walks while I listened to some music. No harm done to anyone. A year or so has passed since my first offence when I get arrested again for holding a blunt. Thats it, for just holding it.

I've lived in the U.S. for the past twenty years, I graduated from grammar school and high school here, attended multiple colleges here, I have made my life here. Paying taxes like every other respectable person in this country, minding my own business and living life calmly. However, the same asshole from a year ago, passed by me while I was walking with my friends as I rolled the blunt.

It was after midnight on a Tuesday, no one around us, no kids nor adults, well, no adults other than the asshole officer walking around. He called the patrol and we were all stopped a few feet from where I finished rolling the blunt. This time I was nice to the officers, I played their game, told them what I had in my pockets, followed orders and answered all their questions. One of the detectives, the one with whom I was sitting with in the car, told me he would let me go, that I wasn't doing anything wrong and he would just take the weed from me and send me home but he couldn't, the asshole of his boss was there, the same asshole who called them to stop us, he was the one that saw us so it was up to him.

My parents don't know any of this, what for? They have enough to worry about. My dad has cancer, my mom works in any little thing she can to help out with the bills while my brother and I provide the majority of the income to our house. I'm not a criminal but now, thanks to Captain Ass Whipe, I have to worry about going to court again on a second "offense" which may or may not lead to jail time or even to some immigration problems. I'm not a citizen here but I'm not illegal, I have been a permanent legal resident of the United States for the past twenty consecutive years. This country is my life.

I spoke to the public defendant this time and he tells me I wont be deported nor will I go to jail but the criminal record might be tough to fight. What does that mean? Well, when I apply to any other job I will have to check "yes" on the part where they ask you if you have been convicted of any crime in the past. I'm going to have to check "yes" to committing the crime of making a personal choice to smoke a dried flower. I have to check "yes" to have committed the crime of being an individual with his own vices. I have to now be considered in the same light as some who has raped, stolen, assaulted, murdered or kidnapped. I now run the risk of joining that kind of people for choosing to do something as harmless as drinking coffee late at night, all because some miserable man decided that what I was doing was wrong, because he decided that the consequences fit the "crime". Even if I don't get the conviction, I will definitely end up with a fine of up to $1,800.

Don't start with the "you should've thought about all this before you did it" or "the officer was just doing his job", just don't. That would just make you ignorant, I didn't commit any more of a crime than someone who drinks out in the open with a brown paper bag but they don't consider that a crime. I have had anxiety attacks because of this, I have a high level of stress because of this, my health is suffering because I made a personal choice to enjoy my life.

Maybe...

Recently I told my parents that they shouldn't expect to have any grand kids coming from me any time soon or at all, that I wasn't interested in a long term relationship. I'm not sure if that's exactly true.

Maybe I just don't think its possible for me to find someone willing to invest in me like I would in them...

Here again...

I'm back there again, I'm back to where I feel like I don't belong in the house I currently live in. I have omitted "my house" from the sentence because it isn't my house. I don't even have a personal space to call my own. I still share a room with my brother, why? My parents have this flawed view of life and the role their offspring should fulfill in life. Apparently, my mother thinks that I, along with my brother, should work to help sustain our family. But why? I don't want to live with these people for the rest of my life. When is it going to be my turn?

Ha, something funny just happened; my best friend just asked me a question via BBM that hits exactly this very topic. We are planning to move by the end of this year to California, to start something new. He asked me: In a perfect world scenario, when would I move to California and why? The same question I had already presented him with a few days ago. To him I answered this:

Yesterday and because I don't have anything in here that I would like to keep living with. Because to me, Cali represents a way to finally break free. I don't mean to sound dramatic, I don't but I have been living under the same roof all my life. I have been living with the same people all my life and that, well that has imposed an imaginary role for me to fulfill. My parents want me to help with this and that and do this and that for them. What about my this and that? In Cali I won't have to answer to them. In Philly I rarely talked to my parents and it was great! Please don't think I don't love my parents because I do, very much so but I have had it. I don't want to feel like I always have to please them.

 Yeah, I have some grammatical errors here and there but that's exactly what I replied to him. Its all true, I have grown tired of living in this house or any house where I have to live by the same rules. I want to live for myself and by myself. I want to be me all day every day.

A fluke of the mind.

Last time I posted was... long enough for me not to know off the top of my head and thats bad. I see blogging as productive, I get to come up with well thought out ideas, opinions, opinions about just about anything when I blog. If there was no blog I would probably keep a journal, but thats only if I never got to know how it felt to type on a computer. I think I like typing better than writing, it gets my mind going faster by pressing keys than to hold a pen. I like pencils but only for drawing... Sorry, lets get back to the point.

Even though I wasn't blogging though, I was getting back into drawing and this type with more of a purpose than when I have ventured into the world of drawing before. This time I am determined to achieve something by applying my self to one thing, that thing being art. I had figured that by me only practicing and improving on one thing at a time, I would be able to accomplish more with my skills. If I want to make something of my writing aspirations, I would be better off to just concentrate on writing and nothing more. Sound assessment, right? I think so too. But what if you still feel the need to write something every now and then while you are trying to become a better graphical artist? Should I, then, should I just drop the drawing and go back to creating worlds out of words? I don't know...

On the other hand, why can't I just manage my time better or come up with a way to equally apply myself to writing and drawing? If its possible, why can't I just allow my self to move on with my ambition and aspirations? What would make this easier for me would be to have someone to guide me or keep me in check. But I don't want it to be someone that is making me turn in things just because I asked them to, I want someone who understand and believes in my dreams and openly accepts my plan. Someone that listens to my plan and has constructive criticism about what I would have to do to be better and what I'm trying to accomplish.

By My Self, But Not Alone...

It's been quite some time since I last wrote here. I haven't had much to write I guess, or worse, I have swallowed up anything I would've written here long ago. No matter, here I am, about to bare you my inner thoughts. I have noticed that I have become isolated from the world around me, not in the physical sense, no, but in the emotional and somewhat metal sense. You see, I happen to enjoy talking and when I meant talking, I mean lengthy talks about random stuff. Whether it be about how the different temperature of the passing seasons affect the way colors look around you, or about how in my head there are actual places where I can go and revisit. Not all of these places are nice ones to go to, however, my mind has found it necessary to make them a permanent staple in the geology of my mind.  I'm alone on those topics and more. Talking might not seem to be a very important aspect of a person's life, much less if you think that the two points I've just mentioned are of no interest to you, but when you are like me and enjoy the act of thinking and elaborating on a single strand of thought, it matters. What I like to talk about and what interests me, is, what who am I, who I like to be.

Friends and siblings I have, however, none share the interest that I have. I find my self feeling like I'm forcing my words on to them, like if what I am saying is the price to pay for knowing me and getting to spend time with and around me. No one really is listing but rather just hearing words coming out of my mouth, all they do is listen to a few words here and there and then make a comment on that one thing they actually listened to. I'm not one to make people have interest in something that doesn't interest them, let alone force interest on me. But its not their fault, no, I don't blame them. I have a rather complex view of the world, I take too much time thinking stuff over, stuff that most people would just want them to pass by and be done with them. I stare and linger at the simplest of things, I find something to talk about in anything and everything. The problem is, none of it is really a topic of conversation to those that don't see the world the same.

I've tried talking to people with "Me Mode" fully on, however, its not an aspect of me that people are drawn to, I come out as being weird or odd. Maybe I'm wrong, but then, how is it that I get to feel this way. For a certain feeling to be triggered you must be put through a certain kind of situation. If you feel fear, then you are in some uncomfortable place that holds a lot of unknown elements and that causes you to fear the place. If I feel like I do, like no one really wants to listen to what I have to say, is because I have been to that place where no one was listening, at least not to me.

Good Bye

I just noticed that this blog was about a part of me that no longer exists. Its about a time in my life that is no longer relevant to my nor do I share the same feelings with the me that wrote all this. So if you had been reading what I had said, thank you for coming and I hope you liked what I have said. It is time, however, to go off into a new place, a new state of mind and a new goal in life. TTFN, Ta ta for now.

Some time has passed.

I've been sitting her for a while, wondering what to say, how to captivate true beauty into the words I posses. Try as I might, and I've tried long enough, I can't come up with anything that would truly portray that which only she can posses. I used to be good at this, or so I though. Maybe I'm still good at it but its her that has overpowered my abilities and left my soul in a blissful shock. Or maybe, just maybe, it isn't what I see that inspires me so but rather her mystery, the thing that makes her so. If I could I would write in my words but as you can see, I'm not good anymore. Maybe Keats would fare better than I, though I don't think he would come close what it is that I'm trying to say. One day, maybe, my words will flow and my thoughts will become coherent enough to take advantage of my skill and let them all come together. One day, I shall let the world know what it is that I am trying to explain, for so much beauty can't go unnoticed, shouldn't be forgotten.

What Now?

I've been released from the imprisonment of my former job, not willingly or because anything I did, but I'm done now. I can't help but wonder about her, all this time I've enjoyed the pleasure of embracing her presence with my eyes. I would wake up every morning knowing that I would get to see her again, not so anymore.

When tomorrow morning comes around, it won't be the same anymore. No motivation for my soul, nothing that my heart would strife for, nothing for my eyes to yearn. I don't know how or if I will be able to cope with this kind of life. I know I'll miss her, I miss her right now.

Yes, our friendship will still be there and even though she said that we'll be friends forever, my mornings have forever changed. I love her, I trully do. Every coming morning I'll be in pain, not able to have her be part of my day.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Breath of Life

Today I had arrived eager to see her, aching to have my eyes embrace the sight of her. It was like a hunger my eyes were feeling, wanting to feel her visual appereance penetrate my eyes. I quickly made my way to the place where she usually resides, expecting and almost feeling the joy I would get by laying my eyes on her. Once I got to where she would be, I found an empty place. I knew she was around, but I had to delay the embrace. I felt like a caged wild animal, starving for freedom and the joy that freedom gives it. I needed to see her, I looked everywhere and couldn't find her. I tried killing time but it was little help. I felt about to break and give in to the dullness of my day without her, but alas, I saw her walk through the door and my eyes felt overwhelmed as always. My spirit was lifted and felt as if I was walking in clouds, a breath of fresh air filled my body and my facial expersion was relaxed and one of joy. I love to see her, have my eyes behold her, it is the closes I'll get to embracing her, holding her tight. My arms and body can only guess how it would feel to actually have her, a sense of jealousy fills them seeing my eyes so full of joy, so full of life. I love her, I think I really do... I certainly do.

And so i crave...

So there I was in the middle of all the chaos and majestic brutality of it all. An unreal realm of happiness where everything seems within reach but it’s still so far away. Out of the darkness there, she appeared. Majestic as always, engulfed with nothing but grace and always so willing to give. I had dreamed of the day when she and I would be in the same realm. In dreams however I had control, she was in my element and I controlled her actions with my desire for her touch. In reality when I saw her, I was helpless and without control of anything around me but myself. She was so close but yet so far away and all I wanted was one second to feel her skin, even if I went unnoticed I still just wanted to feel her once. That would be all it would take for me to be content. I know she is not within my grasp and by the powers above I damn this world and its unfairness. But yet I wonder what if all this was different and I was a close friend of hers? What if she was reachable and when I tried to offer my love to her, she rejected me and with that dissolved our friendship? Would I be happier then?

Compression and copy.

So i was installing Windows Vista on my computer and I noticed it said "Copying Files" followed by "Expanding files" Now i know its nothing and for everyone who has installed Windows Vista its nothing, but i began to think about thos two statements in a very... odd way. Imagine you were a file on a CD, you lived in a compressed file structure, so imagine a bunch of people all next to each other in a very tight place, shoulder to shoulder. Thats how the files are arranged in a CD. Now when you are being "copied" you might feel like you're about to be freed, let loos from your tight prison, but you're not. What actually happens is that a copy of you gets freed from your compressed prison and you stay for as long as that CD stays intact, tramped in a compression chamber, never to experience what it is to be free. Very freaky way of picturing once excistance...=P

Strong Hold

This place has started to become a torment for me. Maybe by my own actions, but still not justifiable. I feel like I've waited long enough, or atleast longer than what I expected. "I'm not even supposed to be here today," a line Dante from Clerks says over and over again through the movie, that's how I feel. I'm not supposed to be here, in this in my life. I wasn't supposed to be captivated entirely by an impossible ideal. The lack of anything else in my life that can replace the ideal is keeping me trapped.

The Void.

There are certain risks in falling for someone behind their back. Yes is possible fall in love with someone behind their back. If they don't know you are falling and some people do, then its behind their back. I never though I would be the one to fall in this friendship, but I did. It started fine and I didn't pay much attention to the unfolding of things, and before I knew it, I was already half way down into the bottomless pit. Now, a certain distance has seem to emerge from her towards me, and I can't help but feel affected by it. Coming to work seems to be going back to how it felt in the begining, tedious and boring. Again I'm working in a place where I can't help but feel alone and out of place. Even with my friend working in the same building as me, it still doesn't help. He and I don't have the same relationship we once had, at least as far as pertaining to me. So everyday I come to work and I feel like I'm in this void inside a populated place, the only person I can interact with is me. I know I carry a good conversation, but when who I'm talking to is myself, it becomes boring quick. She was the answer to my problem, in her I had someone to talk to who cared for what I had to say. She gave me a new level of meaning in this place, no longer was I here to just do the same thing over and over again, I had something to look forward to. All that, now, is gone and quite frankly I don't think it'll return. She has moved on, for her I'm back to buy "a guy from work," nothing more to me just that. I think I understand though, she has her life already set, with kids, a house, two cars, and a slew of friends her age. Where do I fit? I'm still a college student and certainly don't make even half of what she makes a week. Its enough for me yes, but she has other needs. Whatever gap I was filling in her life, it now seems to be closed and thus the need for me is no more. But you know, somehow I knee it would be like this, I've told my friend and my brother, I am here to help girls/women out, after I have done that for them I'm not needed anymore and I become the "in case" guy. In case they need someone to cry to about their current boyfriend or about how they wish they had more things to do because they feel bored at home, that's who I become. In a way I'm glad I have the "ability" to help them, I mean I do it with good intentions and always try to look out for them, and if in the way I get some sort of reward than that's a bonus that I gladly take. The fact that I fell in love with her makes this so much harder than the first time around. Now I come to work and see her still, but she no longer is who she used to be. I get the indiferent looks and the mild chit chat just because she knows me and I work with her, but that's it! That's all I get... This mostly my fault, I allowed this to happens, I allowed my self to fall for her. But why wouldn't I? She is beautiful in every way. She is a caring person and wonderful mom. She is funny and pretty open minded, daring when she wants to be but for that side of her you have to know her =P She is simple and down to earth, she isn't one of those girls that suffer from what I call "the cheerleader complex." She is considerate and doesn't ask for much. She is trully the perfect embodiment of Beauty. All that and so much more is what I love about her, but... I don't think she'll ever know.

Its her...

Controlling the fellings inside my heart, Always seems like a hard task. Something inside of me has been growing, Every day I feel it more. Yes its true, I am trully in love with you.

Timeless

With reiterateration of my peers and with the constant flame that burns within, I go through life aching for you. Yet another day goes by and nothing helps my beating heart detach it self from the notion of you. I only need to smell the air around you to send flying to another world. Your scent, sweet as a morning breeze on spring day over a field of the most exquisite flowers in the world, makes my every sense ignite with passion for you. My dreams are of a place in time when you and I are together as one. Magestically united, our hearts beating as one, in an eternal chorous of an angelic song. These dreams are what I strive for and will make them come true, for my feelings know no boundaries, nor will my determination come to a halt. I'll reach my goal you'll see, and just hope that you want me too. Our past will be enlightened, for our future will be bright. After love and much afection, only joy will fill your life. My love for you will never fail, just as time will never stop. Eternities will come and my spirit still intact will still love till the end of time. Of all this I'm sure, for I want nothing more, than to see you smiling forever more.

Us Two.

If I let my self go and not think of anything, would I still find you there? If the ground beneath my feet were to crumble and swallow me whole, would you still find me? Would you care to? The unknown can be sweet, allows your mind to please your heart. Factual events come with ease and your life can flourish. Let the clock keep ticking, let the world keep turning, let all that should, come to. Without the unknown disturbed, I'll always find us two.

Sweet Dilemma.

Though I know I probably shouldn't be following this path before me, its a tough decision to make. Weather I stay here or not is really irrelevant when I stop and think about it, for one, I already feel the way I do and even if I decide to pull out now, I will take this feeling with me. She has captivated me, truly and completely captivated me. The mornings start of with her in my thoughts just as my dreams begin with her dancing graciously across my subconscious dreams. At times when I feel the need to know of her during the day, I find that she too was about to get in touch with me. This all helps fuel my feeling for her even more, I know that I probably shouldn't go on with this, but I cant help it, our life have already intertwined. Sweet, sweet dilemma, makes me feel like I have her yet I cant let her know how I feel about her.

And it still goes on...

I can't stand it; this feeling is just revolting inside of me. My arms are aching and I have nothing to cease the pain. I don't want this pain to stop, this pain which is brought forth by the absence of her within the grasp of my arms. How I long for one day to have her in my arms and hold her tight, have our hearts synchronize as one. Majestic unison of the language of two different souls, one voice, one mutual feeling, each other. Having her close to me, her head on my shoulder, her hair closer to my face, her neck showing ever so slightly amidst the strands of her golden hair. I would dare to dive and approach her neck like a predator about to devour it’s pray. But subtle and gentle I would be, with the same precision, and finally be close enough for me to breath her scent. I would reach a state mental and physical of utter awe. The world around us would crumble into star dust and our bodies would feel weightless across an ocean of jealous stars that look upon her beauty and can't help but wish that they too could be as beautiful as her. Ah but what a celestial arrangement her being is, perfect to the most hard to find detail.

Hardship

Yet another day has gone by where I have been forced to suppress my feelings inside. I don't know if this is the way it should be or if I should just let her know, but I don't want to cause any problems. What if I push her away? I couldn't live with my self if such a thing were to happen. I see her five out of seven days of the week. The weekend its short but it helps my passion for her rise. Its as if the days when I don't see her I miss her and by that I re enforce my feelings for her. Hard to explain to you with words but its so easy to understand if you have ever been here in my situation. Ah what a bitter sweet life I lead, the woman with whom I have started to fall in love with, is withing my reach and maybe easily attainable but yet she feels so forbidden. Maybe that's what makes me feel like I do for her, the fact that I know I can't get to her, though I've had her before. Ah what a blessing that was, that was the first time in my life where I could say dreams come true. Fine you can rightfully say that the kind of dream where lust is involved shouldn't really count given that feelings are not usually linked with them, but for me they were. It was a very faint feeling I'll be honest, but when me and her were alone and our bodies intertwined, it felt as if it were always like that. Her body full of splendor, her skin softer than any fabric known to man, her scent sweet and engrossingly attractive complement her beautiful honey colored eyes. Her eyes are so modest and kind, both holding a power that so easily reaches down to my heart, they grab and hold me for as long as I can keep their image in my mind. After, when her eyes become another one of my memories in my brain, I feel the need to see her. Its as if it were a drug for a life time junkie and the moment it goes away I go into withdrawal. Not violent like a normal junkie, but you would find me staring up at the sky looking for a pair of stars that might resemble the splendor in her eyes. So now I continue to sit, thinking about her, so very close and yet never in my arms. The words start to run thin as feeling surpass the simple metaphor of the human tongue.

Loneliness

To stand in this world alone takes courage, courage that not everyone has. The simple task of being alone is a big burden to carry. You will have to submit yourself to solitude and come to terms with the one thing you can't hide from, yourself. The hardest thing to accept is not what other people might say about you, but what you will think of yourself. That is the one thing that will always be true, not the type of self evaluation that you say aloud and share with other, but the things that your heart tells you about you and that your self conscience will only agree upon, those observations are the ones that sting.